Both Sides
by Hotaru Muraki
Summary: Have you ever wondered what happened to Sephiroth after that incident in the Northern Crater? I did. Warning! mm-'relationship' implied!


Disclaimer: FF7 belongs to Squaresoft and associates, ‚Both Sides Now' belongs to Anne Murray(?) and associates. I've just mangled either above and beyond all recognition - probably.

Notes: Innocently listening to the radio can lead to distracted attention. nods And besides... FF7 has always been/always will be one of my favorite games to play. There's just something about it that... Or maybe it's just that I like long-haired villains? (e.g. Seymour from FFX, Nakago from FY, etc.) Now that one's been sitting on my mind for ages. I was just too lazy to typewrite it. So now that that's done... I'll go work on...other stuff.

BTW: A _cenotaph_ is a headstone-like type of memorial. It does not necessarily have to be where a person is buried. And the Japanese word at the end of the story is the exact opposite of what you might normally find there, i.e. Owari (= End). groans Now _that_ wasn't obtuse at all...

Dedicated to: Lestat-Vincent (Hope you don't mind! Your review really gave me the impulse I needed to actually go through with this. So... Thank you for your support! hearts)

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**Both Sides**

by Hotaru Muraki

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I'm not angry at him for doing what he did. Not really. That came as a surprise even to myself. With all the things _I_ had done, I suppose it is understandable what _he_ did. Even more so if one knew at least a little about his background. And I know a lot. We _are_ somewhat similar after all.

I remember my childhood quite clearly. His had not been a happy one either, but in a slightly different way. Where I was raised in comparative luxury, rarely allowed to leave the lab, let alone the mansion, he grew up in rather poor circumstances, out of necessity forced to spend most of his time outside. Also, he is some years younger than me. In fact, now that I have the time and leisure to think about it, he is my complete opposite in more ways than one. Hm... Well...

I guess we have a lot in common, too. Neither of us has had an easy, carefree childhood. Nor did we know how to make friends as easily as most other children. (I was never around anyone of my age and he was, sometimes actively, discouraged by the town's children.) That's another thing both of us share: our place of origin. Nibelheim. A small, quaint town in the middle of nowhere, attempting to be important because of that nearby Mako-reactor. (Hah! I certainly gave them something to feel important about!)

The room I lived in while I was in that mansion had one large window. That window didn't face the town nor in the direction of the Mako-reactor. Instead, it faced away from all of that, giving me an unhindered view of a small, rocky area of forested hills and gnarled trees. I really was quite fond of sitting on the ledge of said window, just staring outside. At least those rocks and trees and hills did not expect anything from me. Of course they also gave me nothing back in return either, but that was okay. I was used to that. Or so I thought at that time.

Then one slightly overcast day, I saw a small, blond-haired person running up towards those hills. And to this day, I still do not know what possessed me to jump out of the window and start to follow that person. Maybe it was simply curiousity – I had never even seen someone roughly my age before. Maybe it was just me trying to rebel against all I knew at that point. And maybe it was something else entirely. Maybe it was...destiny?

Anyway, the next thing I was conscious of doing was running, trying to catch up with that...child? Yes, the tracks I observed in the dirt were those of a very small human. In other words: a child. While I did know the _term_, I had never actually _met_ one. Still, this did not satisfyingly explain the quickening of my pace nor my...eagerness in looking for clues as to where this blond child might have gone.

Some moments later, I discovered a deer-trail leading deeper into the wooded, hilly area I had so often gazed upon before. Broken twigs and trampled grass indicated that something comparatively large had passed by only a short while ago. And that 'something' equally obviously had not cared about leaving trails anybody might follow. Which is exactly what I did.

It took some minutes but I finally managed to catch up with...him. Stunned, I stood there, at the edge of a clearing and stared at the small figure huddling near the lake's shore. He was crying, emitting heartbreaking little sobs that, for some reason, tore at me. For a time, I just stood there and watched. I saw the shabiness of his clothes, the tremble of his shoulders as he tried to muffle his crying shaking his small, slumped frame; I also saw the way the occasional beam of sunlight made his hair light up bright golden.

And the I found myself stepping forth from under the trees. The little guy did not notice me at first. He was too absorbed in his own misery to take any notice of his surroundings. Or – a rather chilling thought struck me – maybe... Could it be that he just did not care? That his will to live, his survival-instincts were no longer strong enough?

By the time I had reached that conclusion, I was but a few feet behind him. He surprised me by suddenly whirling around. It was – still is – not very often that people manage to detect my presence when I wish to remain unnoticed. But _he_ is different. Always was. I know that _now_, but I think I subconsciously guessed it even back then. When I encountered the wide-eyed gaze of that boy for the first time, I wondered whether someone had put two priceless jewels as eyes in his head. Twin-pools of sky-deep, sapphire blue, made even larger and more luminous by his crying from before, stared at me. In fact, I was so mesmerized that it took me a few moments to notice that the boy was afraid. Was he afraid...of _me_? Why? ...And why did that bother me when it never had before?

When I did not do anything further than just stand there and look at him, his expression relaxed somewhat. The immediate reflex of running away when encountering something potentially hostile was not yet ingrained in this one. (Come to think of it, he never did learn that... He never ran from me.) Then his expression became guarded again.

"What do you want?"

His voice sounded like one of those little wind-chimes people hang near their windows. I suddenly, futilely, wished that I would be allowed to have such a thing. Ah, well...

"Nothing," I replied calmly.

Now why did he look at me as if I were mad? Did he not believe me? The hurt I refused to feel made me realize that no, this boy really had no reason whatsoever to believe me. Weird. This had never bothered me before.

"Liar! I don't believe you." He looked at me suspicously. "Everybody wnats _something_."

"I don't." My head tilted sideways totally of ist own accord to look at the still-huddling boy quizzically. "But it is your prerogative to believe what you want."

".........................really!?"

Hn. Why did he sound as if he had never considered this before? Did he not have _anyone_ to _really_ talk to...? I just nodded.

He seemed to ponder this for a moment, then looked up at me again, his eyes no longer clouded by impending tears and sadness. _Now_ his eyes really resembled the bright, boundless summer-sky. I think I could really lose myself in them if I looked into them any longer... Turning around to leave, I was quite surprised when I felt a small tug at my jeans-clad leg, heard a shy "Wait! ...please...".

I looked back at him. He snatched his hand away as if burned. I raised an eyebrow in question, silently wondering what he had seen in my expression that had made him shrink back like that. ......No, this feeling could _not_ be disappointment. It must have been merely curiousity about such an odd, un-childlike behaviour. And the boy was still looking at me, his eyes still filled with several somethings I had no name for and too many I knew myself.

"Nani?"

"Do...do you want to play with me...?"

These eyes... Filled with both hope of acceptance and fear of rejection. How could anyone ever resist those beautiful eyes, that...captivating example of _homo__ sapiens_? That is beyond me. _I_ never could, still cannot. Maybe this peculiar weakness was the reason for what I did next, not giving a gil about the consequences. I nodded.

_ Bows and flows of angel hair_

_ And ice-cream castles in the air_

_ And feather-canyons everywhere_

_ I've looked at Cloud that way_

Looking back, now I know this had been too good to last. But... For as long as it did last, I was happy. What a strange thing for me to even think about, hm? Being happy to be able to play with a blond, spiky-haired, sky-eyed boy so far from me... Who knew _nothing_ about me and did not care about it except for me being his older playmate. Sigh. Back then, I knew so much and yet so little. I did not have a name for what that boy, _Cloud_, had become to me. I did not even know the word 'friend' yet, although I like to think that with his help, I at least grasped the meaning behind it.

Eventually, we were caught, of course. Or, rather, I was. While professor Ghast seemed secretly understanding, maybe even somewhat approving of what I did, his assistant, 'professor' Hojo, was not. It had been him who had ordered the guards to follow me in order to find out where I was regularly sneaking of to. And I am embarrassed to admit that over the course of those months, I had become a bit...careless, not using any of my stealth or anything. Stupid, stupid, stupid! The height of my stupidity, however, was _not_ letting them catch me but to let them catch me with Cloud. How I regret ever involving him! And yet......

Blink. ...the thought of fighting the Soldiers didn't even occur to me, weird as that may sound coming from someone like me. Maybe I was...afraid? that they would hurt Cloud...? And...since when had I started to...care about anyone other than myself? But no, I let them take us back to the mansion with no resistance at all! Cloud, his instincts for once far better than mine at least in this case, had tried to run. Notice the emphasis on 'tried'. One of the Soldiers had hit him with a Stun-materia and was now carrying him like a sack of potatoes. (MY sack of potatoes!)

The nearer we got to the mansion, the more I dreaded facing that...Hojo. From him, nothing good had ever come. And as I was soon to learn, nothing ever would.

When we stepped inside, the mansion seemed even more oppressive than usual to me. Or maybe it was just that _bastard_ Hojo standing at the staircase, smirking. The 'admonishment' he immediately launched into I still refuse to recall precisely. What really...got to me, however, was that sadistic _scumbag_'s order to wipe Cloud's mind of this incident. I did not show any reaction. That would only have given Hojo some perverse sort of satisfaction. And I did not want to give him anything, never had, never would.

After that – and Cloud's unconscious body being dumped somewhere outside near the village – I was confined to my room until professor Ghast's return. Needless to say I was not...happy about this. Here I had found my first...whatever it was Cloud had become to me and _they_ just _had_ to interfere! There and then I vowed that although I would have to accept the reality of what was, I would _never ever again_ let it hinder me nor stop me from reaching my goals or getting what I wanted.

_ But now they only hide the sun_

_ They rain and snow on everyone_

_ So many things I might have done—_

_ But Cloud got in my way_

Ah well, I guess not _everything_ went according to my plans. I did have plans including Cloud's assistance and although most of them went smoothly, the most important one also became the most fatal one – for me at least. Hence my current position, floating in the Lifestream, contemplating all that had been while watching what was happening 'down there' _now_. I had been 'advised' to let go, to forget – but how could I? How could I rest in peace when I had left behind the only one that meant peace to me?

I simply refuse to 'rest in peace' while on the Planet, Cloud slowly fell to pieces. (Hm... Shouldn't my golden angel's sapphire eyes be shining with joy instead of tears? I was dead, the Planet was safe. What more could he want?)

_ I've looked at Cloud from both sides now_

_ From child and man, and still somehow_

_ It's Cloud's illusions I recall—_

_ I really don't know Cloud at all..._

Looking back once more, I remember my training to become a Soldier. (Hojo and whatever he did to me is not worth to even be remembered except maybe in my most vivid nightmares!) Anyway, I was the youngest cadet they had ever had. But even so, I surpassed my supposed 'betters' so easily it was no challenge at all. Hrmph.

Time passed smoothly, maybe too smoothly for someone like me. Raised a warrior, trained to be a Soldier, I found it extremely difficult to participate in anything non-combative or non-strategic. My social skills were somewhat lacking, too. Not that I cared. After all, there was no-one there who really was of interest to me.

It became even worse when I was made General. The youngest general in the history of ShinRa and Soldier, I might add. Maybe that was the reason why everyone and their cousin seemed to throw themselves at me. I do not know. It is not that I did not take advantage of all those offers every now and then. However, it was more a relief of stress than anything else.

There never was that 'special someone' for me that everyone else seemed to more or less waste their lives waiting for. Idiots. What use is it to wait for someone, for a person you would, in all likelihood, never meet?

Or so I thought.

At least until that day... I had been fulfilling my duties as 'the' General as perfect as had come to be expected of me – which was exactly what had brought me to _that_ place on _that_ particular day. President ShinRa had made it known that he thought it advantageous for the new recruits to see their topmost commanding officer at their entrance ceremony. He _somehow_ failed to mention that my presence would also give a positive boost to ShinRa's otherwise... lacklustre reputation in public. Sigh. So here I was, just like I had been 'asked', standing slightly behind and to the side of an old fool giving a speech I did not care a gil about. I alternated between watching the President extolling the virtues of ShinRa and Soldier (Hah!) with looking out over the sea of cadets. Who knew that so many idiots existed and would gather in one place, too...

When I was about to further contemplate the contradictory term 'military intelligence' in relation to most of the people present, I accidentally looked near the back of the hall. Then lightning struck me.

Well, it seemed that way to me. I had looked at a blond, spiky-haired cadet of average size and slender built – when said cadet looked up, straight at me. Cloud! And he had not changed all that much. He had only matured from a sweet, innocent child to a teen, not yet a man. Even his eyes had remained the same fascinating sapphire blue I refused to forget. No, I would not mind drowning in a sea like that. Not at all.......

_ Moons and tunes and Ferris wheels_

_ The dizzy, dancing way you feel_

_ When ev'ry fairy-tale comes real_

_ I've looked at love that way_

As much as I would have liked to renew our acquaintance, I could not. First of all, our stations were too different. Second, I did not want to draw any attention towards Cloud by showing any...undue interest in him. I remembered only too vividly what had happened the last time I had done that. Once burned, twice shy. And third... Third, I didn't know whether he even remembered me at least a little. I would have to be extremely careful in trying to find out. But! Giving up just because it seemed too difficult a task to accomplish was never even a question.

Looking back from where I was right now, I had to admit that no, it had not been easy. Cloud's consciousness might not have remembered me – but his heart and mind certainly did. How else could you explain that he pulled through with what he did? How else could you explain that we _still_ felt ourselves irrevocably, magnetically drawn towards each other?

Whatever. I have no excuse for what I did – or attempted to do – back then. Except... Jenova.

I honestly did not know what came over me. Well, _now_ I do – but that is beside the point. Back then, I felt so...distant, detached from everything and everyone. As if all that was... was so inferior, so far beneath me that it barely deserved my time and attention.

_ But now it's just another show_

_ You leave them laughing when you go_

_ And if you care, don't let them now._

_ Don't give yourself away..._

Whatever it might have looked like on the outside, inside an oh-so-small part of the 'me' I had been still existed. And that 'me' was crying. Crying because it was unable to _do_ anything for the one I—

_ I've looked at love from both sides now_

_ From give and take, and still somehow_

_ It's love's illusions I recall—_

_ I really don't know love at all..._

Only now that I am no longer...alive...in the normal meaning of the word, only now do I feel...free from these bindings. The first thing I did when I arrived here, in the Lifestream, was to apologize to that flower-girl,...Aeris, I think. (I still cannot stand her, though.) She was surprisingly understanding, not like what I would have been in the same circumstances. I think she was more worried for Cloud. Not that she said as much in words but... Our thoughts in this aspect at least seemed to be so similar it was almost eerie. Which is why I am still watching my sapphire-eyed warrior even now.

Now that I am free to express whatever I feel or think, I have more than enough time to reflect on my life. On what had been. On what, sadly enough, never had a chance to be. On whom I—

_ Tears and fears and feeling proud_

_ To say 'I love you' right out loud_

_ Dreams and schemes and circus-crowds—_

_ I've looked at life that way_

I blinked. Suddenly, everything made sense to me. Curses! Why did I have to be dumped into the Lifestream first before I _really_ thought of...that!? Why did I not think of it any sooner? Now, floating here semi-corporeally as I am, my new-found knowledge is of no use to me.

_Dammit__!_

Even now I found that truth to be...staggering, to say the least. How and when had I...had I...fallen for him? Cloud... I could not help but watch him even now. It is like watching TV – but from a great distance. Although... Wasn't it strange that I was able to 'see' when the Lifestream itself is not _quite_ part of the world I know? But then again, neither is it totally separate from it. Neither here, nor there. Sounds familiar, ne? Hm... More like a bridge, then? Anyway, back to watching my...Cloud.

Not that much time could have passed because he looked just like he did the last time I saw him in the Northern Crater. Perhaps a bit taller, a bit older and more world-weary. But... Still golden, spiky-haired, still sky-eyed... However, the radiance of those eyes seemed to have dimmed somehow. And now that I looked closer, Cloud himself seemed more...pained, more troubled than I had ever seen him before.

As I continued my helpless observation, I had to watch my Cloud struggle through days turning into weeks changing into months. He was a loner by nature, a hero by destiny (Hah!) and a leader by choice. That choice, however, had not been made by him but been pressed upon Cloud by those around him. Cloud, too, had been unable to resign from that. The difference between us was that the people I had led – could hardly be called my 'friends'. And Cloud's friends often visited each other, discussing their absent friend. They equally often and elaborately talked about Cloud, be it his refusal to move to a more lively place than sombre Mt. Nibel, his increasingly taciturn nature or his morose moods or anything else to do with him.

_ But now his friends are acting strange_

_ They shake their heads. They say he's changed_

They were worried about Cloud, of course. They were his friends. But... Did they ever truly understand him? His motivations, his pain... I wonder.

_ Well, something's lost and something's gained_

_ In living every day_

Oh Cloud... How can anyone understand what you have gone through when they themselves have never experienced anything even remotely similar? They can approximate, of course, shower you with sympathy and well-meant but pathetically useless advice. But. They. Will. Never. _Truly_. Understand. You. Because they cannot. After all, _I_ am the only one who can claim to really know you – thus making me also the only one who can understand you.

I blink. If you are similar to me... Am I similar to you? If that is true...then what does it mean? For me as well as you?

_ I've looked at life from both sides now_

I'm still watching you, Cloud. I guess I always have, although not as well as I would have liked to.

_ From in and out, and still somehow_

And here, floating in the Lifestream, I resolve to keep watching you. Maybe it is just a small comfort, but it is all I can give to you.

Cloud, what are you doing? Why did you leave the comparative comfort of your house to go up Mt. Nibel? It is night, it is cold and it looks as if it will start raining any time soon.

.........what _is_ this place anyway? And why are you crying over a—Cloud! You...you made a cenotaph for me. But......why!?

_ It's life's illusion I recall—_

The Lifestream is...receding, for lack of a better word, until I seem to be standing directly behind you. How strange... Until now, I have never perceived the Lifestream as an...open door. I wonder. What is the meaning of this...?

_ I really don't know life.........at all..._

All the same, I never was someone to back off. And even the longest journey begins with a single step. So.......

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** H a j i m a r i **


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